What It Is Page 3

  I can’t be with him, I thought.

  It became clear to me as I stood in that bathroom that I wasn’t ready to be with anyone at this point in my life. I had spent years trying to escape the control of Mom and Richard, and I had fallen right back into the same situation I had been trying to leave in the first place. I was in a situation where I again felt unloved and unwanted, and I was torturing myself over it. In my mind, I was turning into my mother in the process. I couldn’t allow myself to become her. Maybe this is what happened. Maybe this is why she hated me. Maybe I was a daily reminder of someone she loved who didn’t love her back. For the first time in my life, I felt pity for Mom and regret for not doing something to get our family the help it needed. It was my fault; it was out of her control. I was responsible for all of it and I destroyed my family. Suddenly I felt trapped again, like the day Mom cornered me in the bedroom with the broomstick and the Kleenex. “I have to get out of here,” I said out loud. I shut off the water and ran out of the bathroom.

  My mind was racing; I had no money, no car, no family to call to help me, and I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Think, Sarah, think! I was nearly eighteen years old, had a scholarship transferable to any approved business college, and a high school diploma; I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted. I walked into Matt’s living room and suddenly remembered a party we had there a few weeks back. One of the people at the party had been an old friend from school named Justin. I call him a friend because he was one of the few people in school who never made fun of me with the rest of the kids and never got up and left the lunch table because I sat down at it. We had a lot of the same interests and had spent many lunch hours talking about horseback riding or basketball; sometimes those conversations were the highlight of my day after a night of terror with Mom.

  Justin had announced at the party that evening that he had decided to join the military and then proceeded to spend the rest of the night complaining that he had to go two hours south to another recruiting office because the one up here screwed up his paperwork. Justin and I had talked later that evening and he told me about all of the places he could travel and the different people he could meet. It had sounded so exciting at the time, but twice as good to me now. The military, Sarah, are you serious? From one dictatorship to another? But it was like a light bulb had gone off in my head and the clouds lifted from my mind. Of course I didn’t want to really join the military, but it was a way out and a way to get as far away from Mom, Matt, Richard, that town, and the house as I possibly could at that moment in my life.

  Without thinking, I picked up the phone book, found Justin’s phone number, and dialed it. As I heard the phone ring, I started to feel very silly, but before I could change my mind, Justin answered.

  “Yaaa…lo” Justin said.

  “Justin? This is Sarah Burleton; remember from school and the party a couple weeks ago?”

  “Yeah! Yeah! What’s up?” he asked.

  “Re…re…remember when you…you… said that you were driving down t…t…o a recruiting office to join the military?” I couldn’t get the words out. I had suddenly become extremely nervous and scared and I had to sit down in the armchair next to the phone cradle before I collapsed.

  “Oh yeah! I leave tomorrow afternoon; you guys having another party or something?”

  God give me the strength to do this.

  I took a deep breath. “No, I want to go with you.” The other end of the phone went silent and I waited nervously for Justin to either hang up or answer me.

  “Things not working out, huh?” he finally answered in a soft voice. Tears welled up in my eyes. “No, Justin, they aren’t. I need to leave and get away from here. I can’t take it anymore.” My tears started rolling out of my eyes, down my cheeks, and into the phone receiver; I tried to wipe them away but the more I wiped, the more the tears gushed out of my eyes.

  “Can you be ready by tomorrow at eleven?” Justin asked.

  My tears immediately stopped and I sat up straight in the armchair. “Are you serious?” I asked. “You would take me down there with you? What do I take, what do I do?”

  “Just pack up your clothes that you want to leave with and I’ll fill you in and give you some brochures on the way down.” Justin stopped and I could hear him swallow.

  “How are you going to tell Matt?” he asked.

  I hadn’t thought of that. I had only been thinking of myself up to that point; what was going to be best for me and what was going to save me. Before I could answer, I heard a truck rumble up into Matt’s driveway. Matt was home.

  “I’ll figure it out, Justin. I’ll be ready at eleven and if anything changes, I’ll call you.” I had to get off of the phone before Matt heard me, but before I could, Justin said something to me that gave me the strength I needed to leave Matt and my current situation.

  “Sarah, I’m proud of you.” Justin said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I couldn’t remember the last time someone actually said those words to me, that they were proud of me. I had been proud of myself once or twice, but rarely did anyone go out of their way to tell me that they were impressed or proud of something I had done, or in this case, what I was about to do. “Eleven o’clock,” I whispered before I put the phone back into its cradle.

  Of all days for Matt to treat me to a bouquet of flowers, it had to be that day. He bounded into the house with the excitement of a ten-year-old boy who had just caught his first fish. I had just gotten up out of the recliner to greet him when he rushed over and got down on one knee in front of me, holding the bright bouquet of flowers he had brought home in front of him. “I love you, Sarah!” he exclaimed. I smiled and looked directly into his eyes and saw that they were bloodshot. Of course he is high. I bent over and kissed the top of his head. “They are beautiful, sweetheart!” I exclaimed and took the flowers from his outstretched hands.

  I couldn’t utter the words “I love you” back to him. I was about to do one of the most selfish acts of my life and walk out on him tomorrow. Waves of guilt washed over my body. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words, to tell him that I was going to leave him the very next day and that I would never be back. I didn’t want to see hatred in his eyes or see his disappointment in me written all over his face; deep down I still wanted him to love me.

  In an act that I have always considered cowardly and weak, I left Matt without saying good-bye or telling him why I was leaving. I spent my last night with Matt talking and laughing and reliving a lot of old times. I wanted him to remember the good times we had together and hopefully alleviate some of the hatred he was going to feel toward me in less than twenty-four hours. We didn’t make love that evening, but he fell asleep in my arms and I wept silently and gently kissed his head as the sun rose over the cornfield.

  Please, God, forgive me for what I am about to do, I prayed as the sun turned the corn husks golden yellow.

  Every Sunday morning for as long as I had been with Matt, we had brunch with his brother and sister-in-law at their house on the edge of town. This morning was no different, and Matt was up by nine o’clock getting showered and dressed for our Sunday routine. I sat on the edge of our bed and gripped the side rail, trying to muster up the courage to tell Matt that this was our last morning together, that in a couple of hours, Justin was picking me up and I was going to join the military and leave forever. I wasn’t strong enough to tell him, and that sickened me. I was strong enough to survive Mom’s wrath and lack of love, to leave her home, graduate high school, get a scholarship to college, but I couldn’t utter a few sentences to the man who took me in and saved me?

  “You aren’t ready yet?” Matt had just come out of the bathroom and my heart skipped a beat when I looked at him; his was hair slicked back on his head and his tall, lanky body leaned against the doorway in a pair of jeans, work boots, and a red button-down shirt. His eyes seemed to pierce right into my soul as he searched my face for a reason as to why I was still in my
pajamas.

  “I…I’m not feeling too well,” I stammered. “Do you mind if I just take it easy this morning?” Matt’s brow furrowed in concern and he walked over to me and put his hand on my forehead. “You don’t feel feverish or anything,” he said.

  “It’s my stomach, must have been something I ate,” I told him, feeling guiltier by the second. TELL HIM! my mind screamed. You are so weak! Tell him, give him that much!

  Matt took his hand off of my forehead and leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I’m gonna take off then. Love you; see you in a little bit.”

  And like that he was gone. I couldn’t even tell him I loved him back before he left or give him one last kiss on the lips before I saw him walk out the bedroom door. Am I doing the right thing? I know he still loves me, he has to! This could work, I could make it work! I didn’t want to fail at my relationship, but I knew deep down that if I stayed with Matt I would be just as lonely and miserable as Mom was on the farm where she inflicted so much pain on me as a child. Maybe I really was a bad child and it wasn’t all Mom’s fault. What if she was as lonely as I am right now?

  I couldn’t turn into Mom and I couldn’t put Matt through what Mom had put Richard through. My mind had been made up, and in less than two hours Justin would pick me up and take me to another place where I could have the chance to start over and begin to find out who Sarah Burleton really was. I needed to find answers to my past and find my own path to the future, and I knew in my heart I wouldn’t find those answers if I stayed with Matt.

  In less than half an hour I had all of my possessions packed up into two Hefty bags. As I lugged them to the door I was reminded of the day I moved out of Mom and Richard’s house, hauling my two Hefty bags of clothes down the street, block by block, to start my new life. Here I was again, over a year later, running away with two Hefty bags, desperate to start a new life somewhere else.

  I spent the last hour at Matt’s house alone in the kitchen with a pad of paper and a pencil trying my put into words my gratitude for everything he had done for me and how sorry I was for everything I had done to him. The words wouldn’t come and I couldn’t write what I wanted to without coming off as a cold-hearted witch who walked out on the man who took care of her when she needed it the most.

  I heard Justin’s car pull up into Matt’s driveway and he honked the horn. Hastily, I ripped off a piece of paper and scribbled, “I’m sorry, please forgive me. Love, Sarah.” picked up my bags and walked out the front door. Justin shut off the engine, got out of the driver’s seat, and popped open the trunk for me to put my bags into. “He isn’t here, is he?” Justin asked, looking around nervously.

  “No, he’s not here.” I replied sadly as I hoisted my clothes into Justin’s trunk. Justin patted me on the back and said, “It’s going to be OK, trust me!”

  I shut the trunk lid, shrugged my shoulders, and said, “I’ve got no one else to trust. Let’s get out of here.”

  We got in and Justin started up the car and backed out of Matt’s driveway. I pressed my forehead against the passenger’s side window and watched Matt’s house get smaller and smaller as Justin drove down the road. Finally I leaned back and took a deep breath and shut my eyes. I didn’t know what lay in store for me; I didn’t know if I was joining the military or sleeping on the street that night. All I knew was at that exact moment, driving down the road with Justin, I was finally free.

  ***

  A pair of double doors at the back of the lobby opened up and an older gentleman in a business suit walked out with a clipboard. “Good luck!” Toni whispered before she scampered back off to the receptionist desk. The gentleman scanned the lobby before saying out loud, “Is there a Sarah Burleton here?”

  Hold onto my trembling hand and be near me today. Amen.

  I stood up and held my head up high. “Yes, I’m Sarah Burleton, and it is a pleasure to meet you!”

  Chapter 3

  Apartment Sixteen

  “Coming up on your left!” I curled myself up and grabbed my knees as I sped down the hill on my rollerblades past a pair of bikers. As I reached the bottom of the hill I slowly stood up, raised my arms high into the air, and shut my eyes as the wind whipped through my fingers. As the wheels on my rollerblades began to lose speed, I dropped my arms and opened my eyes to take in the gorgeous blue sky and open prairie surrounding me on all sides.

  “Sarah! I’m right behind you!”

  I glanced behind me and smiled when I saw my boyfriend, Aron, speeding down the hill behind me on his matching set of rollerblades. I moved to the other side of the bike trail and Aron stood up and braked to a stop beside me, sweat dripping down his forehead and fog steaming up his sunglasses.

  “I almost beat you down the hill that time,” he said with a grin on his face.

  I ruffled his brown hair and smiled. “Maybe next time.”

  Aron leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Or maybe I’m just letting you win,” he said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest.

  I shut my eyes and laid my head on his shoulder, drinking in the beautiful moment and realizing how lucky I was to be living this moment of light and love when so much of my life had been spent in darkness.

  ***

  When I packed my Hefty bags into Justin’s car and left Matt’s house forever, I had this grand idea in my head that I was going to just join the military with Justin and run away forever. I didn’t even know what branch Justin was joining or what joining the military even meant; all I knew was that at the time, it was the most logical way for me to leave my terrible past behind me and try to start a future on my own. Once Justin and I had reached the city limits of the little town where I had endured so much abuse and trauma, Justin turned to me and asked, “So, how did Matt take it?”

  I shook my head. “I couldn’t even tell him, Justin. I couldn’t even bring myself to do it. I snuck out while he was at his brother’s house for breakfast.” I snuck a glance over at Justin, expecting to see him looking at me with disappointment, and was surprised when he actually started laughing. “He is going to be so pissed! God, I always thought that guy was a dick!”

  “Really?” I said with surprise. “I never thought that about him! What, did he do something to you? Why in the hell would you think that?” Everyone I knew seemed to think that Matt was the greatest guy around, so to hear this from Justin, someone who I considered a friend and had eaten lunch with almost every day, it was a shock.

  “Sarah, everyone thought he was a dick,” he replied. “I mean, he was cool and all because he’d buy us cigarettes or beer if we wanted, but what kind of twenty-five-year-old guy freakin’ lives with a sixteen-year-old girl?” Justin’s face was starting to fill with patchy red spots. “He could have gone right back to prison for what he was doing with you! You deserve better than that, Sarah, especially after what you’ve been through.” Justin’s face was completely red now and his hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles began to turn white.

  I tried to play dumb; although I thought of Justin as a friend, I had never shared my secret with him. I didn’t want my lunch hours to be spent talking of darkness when all I wanted to do was laugh and escape from the bad for thirty minutes out of the day. “What do you mean, after what I have been through?” I asked, dreading the answer.

  “Sarah, everybody knew what your mom was doing to you,” he said. “I mean, you chew the hell out of your fingernails, but you come to school with fingernail marks all over your neck? You must be the clumsiest person alive because you fall down more stairs and walk into more walls than anyone I have ever met. I called DCFS once because I just knew you were getting hurt, but they started asking me a lot of personal questions and I got scared and hung up.” Justin paused and looked over at me. “Are you OK?”

  Of course I’m not OK! I wanted to scream. Everybody knew, you knew, and no one did anything? You were supposed to be my friend! “I’m fine,” I managed to mutter, and then I stopped and shook my head. I h
ad a voice and it was time to use it for once. “No Justin! I’m not fine! You sit here, you tell me you knew that I was getting hit, you tell me that after you and I had lunch so many times over the years, you never once wanted to lean over and give me a hug, give me anything?” I started sobbing uncontrollably and I buried my head in my hands. “Justin, you have no idea how alone I was, I was so utterly alone…” My voice trailed off as my sobbing got louder and more uncontrollable.

  Justin pressed down on the accelerator and said rather defiantly, “I have no excuse, Sarah, but I’m trying to make it up to you now.”

  Please, God, please teach me forgiveness.

  I took a deep breath and took my hands down off of my face and placed them in my lap. I looked over at Justin’s face and saw tears streaming down his flushed, red cheeks and that his lower lip was bleeding from him chewing on it so hard. Waves of pity washed over my entire body and my anger washed away. I thought of the numerous times my day had been made better because of the short times I spent with Justin, laughing hysterically as he did his best impressions of Cheech and Chong or Denis Leary. I remembered knowing that when I was at my lowest point some days at school and all of my other peers were sticking Post-it notes on my back or making fun of me, I could always count on him being one kind face in the lunchroom. I had never known why Justin was so nice to me, and as I sat there thinking about our times together, it struck me that Justin really never had any friends of his own. Maybe he chose to be alone so he could be friends with me. The thought of another person sacrificing anything for me brought tears to my eyes, and I reached over and squeezed Justin’s arm.

  “It’s OK, Justin, it’s in the past and it is what it is. Let’s talk about the future.”

  “It is what it is; I like that,” Justin said with a smile. “OK, get into the glove box there, and I have a ton of military brochures for you to look at.”