What It Is Read online

  I didn’t want to answer right away. It was all moving way too fast and I felt like I needed to wait for Aron to come downstairs to run this all by him first. Megan sensed my hesitation.

  “It’s been too long and I don’t want to wait anymore to see you. Please, please say you’ll come.”

  My heart filled with love and I remembered how much Megan had meant to me when I was little. “Of course we’ll be there,” I answered. “Send the details and the times and we’ll see you on Sunday.”

  “Oh, Sarah, I can’t wait to hug you! I love you more than you know,” she said, and hung up.

  Megan and I continued conversing over e-mail over the next week, and I told her about Evan and my accomplishments at work and college, and she told me about her exciting career as a flight attendant and all of the fabulous places she had visited. We never talked about Mom or my past in these e-mails; we remained focused on the future and the upcoming party on Sunday.

  Aron, Evan, and I left early Sunday morning and began the three-hour drive to Karen’s house for her son’s birthday party. “I’ve never been so nervous for a birthday party before!” Aron exclaimed as we got onto the highway. “I just don’t know what to expect.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked. “What do you think is going to happen?”

  “I don’t know,” Aron replied as he scooted around a large semi truck. “I’m not going to lie; I have some trepidation about seeing your aunt. I mean, they all knew how crazy your mom was and they chose to leave you there. It’s not your cousins’ fault, they were kids, but your aunt was an adult and could have done something.” Aron looked at me and patted my leg. “Don’t worry; I’m just being protective again.”

  I smiled at Aron and glanced back at Evan sleeping in his car seat. “It’s just a birthday party,” I said softly. “Let’s just go and have a good time and see what happens.”

  We finally arrived at Karen’s little house in the country. We pulled into the long gravel driveway and my stomach began to twist and churn as I saw Megan standing on the porch with Aunt Janice, waving frantically at us.

  “Awe,” Aron said, “she’s so happy to see you! I’ll take care of Evan; you go see your family.”

  I leaned over, kissed Aron on the cheek, and jumped out of the car. Megan ran over to me and threw her arms around me. “Oh my God, you are so beautiful! I’ve waited so long to do this!”

  I buried my face in her shiny black hair and sighed contentedly. It felt so good to be hugged, and I immediately remembered how safe Megan’s arms made me feel when I was a child.

  Megan pulled away and cupped my face in her hands, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “We will never be away from each other like this again!” She kissed my cheek and then ran around behind me to scoop Evan up and introduce herself to Aron. Janice came off of the porch and held out her arms.

  “Hi honey,” she said softly, “how have you been?”

  Janice hadn’t changed much since I was a child; her face still looked the same, her hair was still the same, and the only difference I could see was that she had put on a few pounds over the years. As she got closer to me I got nervous. She’s got Mom’s eyes, I thought, but once she got up to me and I saw that her eyes held none of the contempt and hatred that Mom’s did, my nervousness melted away.

  “OK,” I said sadly, and Janice looked at me and nodded.

  “We’ll talk later,” she said, and she walked around me and to join Megan, Evan, and Aron.

  Karen had put together a fantastic birthday for her little boy; there were bouncy houses, horses, games, and a buffet that included everything from enchiladas to hot dogs. I saw all of my relatives that I had missed for so many years: my cousin Craig and his family, my cousin Amy, and my cousin Karen and her beautiful children.

  “What happened to Aunt Denise?” I asked Megan while we were playing in the backyard with the kids.

  “Oh my, you probably don’t know!” Megan said. “Denise died like two years ago. No one knew how to get ahold of you…”

  “Denise died?”

  I didn’t know how to feel. I had never been close to Denise, but I felt as if I should have some sadness over the news that a member of my family passed away. “I’m sorry, I wish I would have known.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t even think your mom knows Denise is dead, and that’s her own sister,” she said angrily, and then shook her head. “I’m sorry, I promised myself that I wouldn’t bring anything like this up today.”

  I hugged her. “Honey,” I said, “I’m having a great time. Let’s just focus on today and we can worry about the past some other time.”

  Karen announced it was time to eat, and Aron and I went into the house and heaped our plates full of food. “Is Evan going to eat?” I asked Aron. He looked out the window at Evan laughing and running around the backyard with the rest of the kids. “Nah, he’s having too much fun right now. He’ll eat when he’s ready.”

  We went back outside and saw Janice sitting by herself, eating her lunch at a picnic table under the shade of a large sycamore tree. Aron nudged me. “Let’s go sit over there.”

  Aron and I walked up and Janice smiled and gestured to the seats across from her. “Sit down,” she said happily. “This food is great! Get it before the flies do.”

  Janice wasn’t lying; the food was absolutely delicious, and as I was licking barbeque sauce off of my fingers I heard Janice say, “I called those goddamned schools every month to tell them about the shit your mother was doing to you.”

  Both Aron and I immediately stopped what we were doing at stared at Janice in amazement. Janice’s eyes were flashing with anger and her hands were trembling. “Those goddamned principals told me that they knew what was going on but they didn’t want to call the authorities because they knew what Nancy would do to you after they left.” Janice banged her fist on the picnic table and her eyes flashed with anger again. “I tried, Sarah, I tried, but every time I tried to help you, Nancy would figure a way to move you away or cut me off.” Janice’s voice started trembling. I wiped my hands and rushed around to the side of the picnic table she was sitting on and held her hand.

  “Do you want me to check on Evan?” Aron asked softly, and I shook my head no. I wanted Aron to hear everything Janice had to say to me; I wanted him to hear from someone else’s mouth besides mine that I had been abused. Although I knew Aron trusted me and believed all of the things I told him over the years about my childhood, I even questioned my own sanity as I relived times from my abusive past. The things Mom did to me were so outrageous the stories almost sounded unbelievable as the words came out of my mouth. But now I had someone who could positively validate to me and Aron that the things Mom had done to me did happen and I wasn’t crazy.

  I squeezed Janice’s hand and tears welled up in my eyes. “It was so hard, Janice, she was bad to me,” I whispered, and I glanced over at Janice’s face, which was already streaked with tears. “Janice,” I continued, “she did so many bad things to me.”

  Janice squeezed my hand back. “I know she did, Sarah, I know.” She glanced at Aron and continued. “There was a day when you were about Evan’s age that I went to visit you and your mom. Dad, your grandpa, had paid for her to have an apartment after her and Arthur split up, and that’s where she was for a few months before you two moved in with us.” Janice leaned forward and took a sip of her lemonade. “I knocked on the door,” she continued, “and your mom answered and you ran up behind her. You had two black eyes and your nose was bleeding.”

  I heard Aron gasp, and I saw him throw his hand over his mouth, the same way he had when Arthur had told me the story about my shattered collarbone. Janice let go of my hand and kept talking. “I asked her what happened and she said that you fell and I told her that kids don’t get black eyes from just falling down on the floor. I took you out of that apartment and drove you to the doctor, where they first refused to see you because your mom had an outstanding bill there. I paid the bill and they did a scan of
your head and found that your skull had a hairline fracture on it.” She leaned over and rubbed the top of my right eyebrow and gently caressed a bump I’d had there for as long as I could remember. “This is where she fractured your skull,” she said softly.

  Aron took his hand down from his mouth. “I can’t believe,” he said to Janice, “that you could take a little girl in to the doctor with two black eyes and a fractured skull and no one pressed charges on Nancy? Not one person?”

  “Things were different back then,” Janice answered. “Nancy blamed it on the dog she had at the time and actually put the dog to sleep in order to convince everyone that she protected you.” Janice shook her head angrily. “But I knew better!”

  That’s why we lived with her! I realized. Janice saw what Mom was capable of, and in an attempt to protect me she moved us into her house. I didn’t want to hear any more stories about the different ways Mom beat me up or tortured me anymore; I was ready to get to the core of the issue.

  “Janice, what the hell is wrong with Mom? Were you guys beaten as kids or something? Was she hurt by someone or something that made her hurt me so much?”

  Janice shrugged her shoulders. “Sarah, I don’t know where she learned her behavior. We were never treated like that, and we don’t treat our kids like that either. Ever since your mom was little, something was not right about her.” Janice shook her head and got a faraway look in her eyes as she remembered Mom from so long ago. “Your mom would get mad as a child when she wouldn’t get her own way, and as young as six, shove your grandma into a closet and scream and beat on the door until your grandma gave in and would give Nancy whatever she wanted. I don’t know, Sarah, there was just always something about your mom that was very mean and very cruel, and we could never figure out why she was the way she was.”

  “OK, so can you tell me anything about Arthur? I met him, Janice, and I’m sorry, but that guy is not my dad. Do you know who my dad is, or if Arthur really is my dad?”

  Again, Janice shrugged. “Sarah, I don’t know. I know your grandpa used to find guys hiding in Nancy’s closet and he would yell and scream and send them out the door. There was a guy around the time she got pregnant with you, but your Grandpa found him in your mom’s closet and actually bought the guy a Greyhound bus ticket to get out of town.”

  “So that guy could be my dad?” I asked Janice.

  “I don’t know, Sarah,” Janice answered sadly. “I just don’t know what to tell you.”

  I sat back and took a deep breath, trying to take in everything Janice had just told me. I had been so looking forward to getting some real answers out of Janice, and instead of answers, I had more questions. I still didn’t know why Mom was so cruel to me, I didn’t know if Arthur was my real dad, and I didn’t know why Janice would call the schools every month to report abuse but never took the time to come and physically take me out of that home.

  On the other hand, I did make some progress; I learned that Mom had been “off” for her entire life, I learned that a guy who got on a Greyhound bus could be my dad, and I learned that I wasn’t crazy; from the way it sounded, Mom was beating me from the moment I came out of her womb.

  “She was a bad mom, Janice; do you know that Emily had a severe stuttering problem because of her? Do you know that she made me steal and she killed my animals?”

  Janice shook her head. “No, we didn’t know any of that was going on, but it doesn’t surprise me that she hurt animals considering what she did to you…” Janice’s voice trailed off and she hung her head in shame.

  I looked at Aron for guidance, and he was sitting at the picnic table cupping his chin in his hands and looking at Janice in amazement. I looked back at Janice and considering jumping up and yelling in her face like I had yelled in Arthur’s face, cursing her for not rescuing me when she knew how crazy Mom was. But then I heard Evan’s laugh, and I looked out into the backyard, and when I saw him and Megan playing together I smiled. It’s not worth it, I thought. It might feel good at the moment to yell at her, but I want this family in my life and I have to forgive her. I reached over and hugged Janice and squeezed her shoulders. “It’s over, and I’m safe now and far away from Mom. She can’t hurt me anymore.”

  Janice pushed away and looked at me, and I saw the pain and hurt in her eyes. She’s been suffering all of this time, too, I thought sadly. It’s time for the suffering to end once and for all.

  “Janice,” I said, “I thought for years that you hated me because I was Mom’s daughter and you didn’t want me around you because I would remind you too much of Mom. I see now that you were extremely concerned about me when I was a child and you did what you could. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand why you never took more action and got me out of there, and I don’t think I want to understand. It is what it is, I can’t change what happened to me, and you can’t change it either. It’s time to just accept it and move on.”

  And just like that, the urge to find out more answers about my childhood left me forever. I had grown weary of trying to analyze why Mom acted the way she did and why she hated me so much, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t care anymore. I had gone to Karen’s house that day not knowing what to expect, but hoping for some answers or a logical explanation as to why Mom was the way she was. After talking to Janice, I realized that if Mom’s own sister didn’t even know what was wrong with her, then how the hell was I ever going to figure it out? I knew I would never know the truth because the only person who could tell me the truth about everything was Mom and I think Mom had told so many lies to so many people that she didn’t know what reality was anymore.

  At the end of the party as Aron and I were getting Evan ready to leave I felt a warm arm wrap around my shoulders. I looked up and saw Megan smiling down at me.

  “I love you so much, Sarah!” she exclaimed, and for the first time in my life I looked at someone from my own biological family and said, “I love you too.”

  I meant every word of it. I really did love Megan for reasons I couldn’t even describe, and I felt connected to her through our mutual childhood fears of Mom. She seemed to understand me in a way I always wished Emily would have understood me and loved me the way Emily should have loved me.

  A couple of weeks after our visit to Karen’s house, I was sitting in front of the computer thinking about Mom and everything I had learned about her in the past couple of years. I thought about all of the abuse she inflicted on me, the animals she killed, the clothes she made me shoplift, and I wondered if there were other mothers out there like Mom, hurting their little girls like Mom hurt me. I wish, I thought, I wish there was some way I could tell these little girls that everything is going to be OK and that I know they are scared. I want them to realize that I know exactly how they feel late at night when they are crying in their beds and nursing the wounds from their recent beatings. I want them to know that it isn’t their fault and that they can fight back and there is help out there now.

  I clicked open my word-processing program and started a new document:

  “I was born in Melrose Park, Illinois, on a cold day in November 1978 to a young woman not ready or willing to have a child.”

  Epilogue

  “Finished!” I said to Aron gleefully. “I finished my first book!”

  Aron ran over and hugged me. “Honey, I’m so proud of you. What did you decide to call it?”

  “Why Me?” I answered proudly. “I felt like it was the question I asked myself my entire life.”

  Why Me? was written to let the world know what Mom was doing to me my entire life and to try to reach out to children who may have experienced some of the same things I did. I didn’t know what to include in the book because I wasn’t sure how the world would react to the touchy subject of child abuse. I was worried it would be shunned because it went against the old notion that people shouldn’t talk about what goes on behind closed doors. I couldn’t stop myself, though; once I wrote about Mom pouring liquid Ajax into my mouth, I wanted th
e world to know everything she did that I could remember.

  When I had my book edited and it was finally published, the response I got from my readers was amazing. I started receiving e-mails from people of all ages from all over the world, all thanking me for sharing my story and sharing their own very personal abuse stories with me. I realized that there are so many of “us” out there: the beaten, the forgotten, and the mistreated, all of whom are still carrying around the physical and emotional scars from our childhoods.

  I also realized that child abuse just doesn’t magically end when we turn eighteen; the abuse we endured carries on into adulthood and affects the relationships we have with everyone around us. There seemed to be a common theme with many of the reader e-mails I received: they couldn’t let go of the past and move on with their lives.

  Again, I thought I could help, and I decided to write and publish this book, What It Is, in an effort to help people still suffering to overcome their pasts and focus on their futures. I had to make extremely tough choices in my life to get to the point where I can easily shrug and say, “It is what it is,” and I have never regretted one decision I ever made, good or bad. It is what it is, and I know I have moved on because I can accept my past as a learning experience rather than letting it be my crutch for my entire life.

  I couldn’t have done any of this without Aron, Ryan, and Evan. Aron has been my rock throughout my entire journey, and I don’t know if I would be as strong as I am today without him in my life. He is my voice of reason, my protector, my lover, and my best friend. He makes me want to be a better person, and it is because of him that I found the strength to write my second book and finish my story.

  Ryan and Evan taught me the same thing, just in different ways. The experiences with Ryan and Vicki taught me that I could handle women like Mom, and I wasn’t afraid to run away from her anymore. Ryan showed me that I was nothing like Mom when it came to parenting and gave me the strength to have Evan. Evan taught me pure, unconditional love, and I would give up every worldly possession I had if it meant making him happy.